Memory

Sometimes relapsing back isn’t a good thing. The trigger could be anything, but so far this week the worst had to be when I had to go somewhere that held a really good memory for us both. Or nearby it, anyway.

I don’t think I should feel angry, but I do. Just a little. Cause the same reason always pops up, that I felt in my heart we had something good. And why can’t I seem to keep the good things? I know is not about who is at fault but I can’t help but feel that it takes two of us to make it work, and I sure tried.

Sometimes I wonder if “we” will ever met and find our happy endings.

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being flippant

smotimes, all I wanna do is forget about you – but I know you mean too much to me to be so simply chucked aside.

Am I still hoping for something to happen? This is probably it, though. Maybe I’m in denial cause I’m not accepting this fact.

I get the feeling that you want me, but not right now. So, what do I do? Wait? Move on? Sometimes I feel like I’m still stuck in limbo. aaaaaaagh! It’s driving me crazy!

Or rather, right now, I’m just annoyed. My brain doesn’t know what to make of all this. At times, I’ll think nothing of you, and at others, every little thing I see or do reminds me of you. What the hell, man.

First you tell me, “hey, maybe you should start dating other people”, and on the flipside, you say “I would date you if we had another chance”. Oh gawd, kill me now.

I still want to be your friend at least, even if we don’t get that second chance. But just stop with the games already, just pick one and go with it!

Enough of this for now. ~_~

death

While washing the dishes earlier, the thought suddenly popped into my mind.

What if my dad won’t be there to dance with me at my wedding dinner?

What if guama doesn’t make it to see me married to the man who will make me happy? 

What if mom leaves me before she gets to play with my children?

It terrified me so much, and I couldn’t explain why at first. I guess I was afraid of death if it meant taking people I love away from me before I had the chance to make them happy – and that they could leave in peace knowing that they’ve done the best in their lifetime. I suppse I just wanna be able to show them so before they pass away.

numbed. I think. closure, possibly.

I know.. it’s been almost 1.5 months since we broke up. But 3 months since the pain really started.  I still miss him, I still think about him. But I think I don’t feel the pain anymore – like I’ve numbed myself from it.

Now I see the irony in promises that we both can’t keep. It’s like, “Let’s be friends” – but you know, we rarely speak to each other. Even if I were the one to initiate conversation, it is short and terse. I suppose he’s thinking about himself, and how to get over his own dark shadows. And I’m the idiot, ever wanting to get his attention like a little puppy. On the flipside, maybe he’s trying to say, “hey, take a hint already. move on, and don’t bother (yourself aabout) me. ” <– haha, the text is parenthesis is for me, but hey at last I’m kinda putting this aside.

No more waking up wondering why, no more going to sleep wondering why. It’s a closure of sorts, but only because I’ve made up my mind.

No more anguishing about something when the ball’s not in my court anymore. I’ve tried, albeit gently, pussyfooting around (I haven’t heard this term in a LONG while, thanks reeis!) and leaving the decision up to him. He’s decided, therefore, I’ve decided. He confessed that he still misses me, and I did too.. but if he isn’t ready, and even if the time comes and it doesn’t work out anyway, that’s that. I am not going to put myself through this forever! Life is so much more than anguishing over a lost love. I never regretted a single moment though. It was just a matter of wrong timing. Maybe it wasn’t our fate’s calling, and whatever happens, happens. For a reason.

Heartbreak woes.

What will it take for me to let you go like you have done of me?

You seem fine, I know I’m not. Sometimes it feels like I’ve done you a favour, to get out of your way, like I was such a burden. Then I get annoyed at myself cause it all felt like I was being played, and I stupidly walked straight into it.

I can’t stand being near you, I can’t bear to look at you, I try not to talk to you. I try not to want to know what happens in your life, I don’t want to picture in my mind what and how your eyes and mind perceive your daily happenings. I hate it how you can continue on like everything is fine, while I feel like I’m pretending sometimes just to get by, so that I’d distract myself from sinking into that state of sadness again.

And yet I still keep some of your stuff on my desk, and you still have some of mine on yours. What does it all mean? Most probably it means nothing to you. But it means alot to me.

The other part of me still aches when I think of the hurricane that just swept through my life and turned it upside down – you. It could have been really great – I still wish there was still a chance.

I don’t know why I keep up these hopes.

sigh.
_______________________________

Hearts are breaking in some directions I look – one who cannot get the girl, the other is reconsidering his choice. Both on the opposite sides of the playing field, yet claiming the other has greener pastures.

getting over.. or not really.

*brushes the dust off*

*takes a look around*

I really have left you alone for quite awhile now haven’t I.
_______________________________

Yes, so I just broke up with a guy I really really really cared about. It’s hard to have someone break up with me, but it’s harder still knowing that it could have been something great. We had barely even started when it came to an end.

That month of May, was alot of crying myself to sleep, near tears while I was awake, steeling myself to not give this any thought as I walked past his table, waiting for his Whatsapp messages (pathetic, I know), a whole load of heartache, and despairing over the fact that I knew what was coming.

The kicker was that it wasn’t because neither of us fell out of love with each other – it was the fact that he wanted to be alone because he couldn’t give anyone his best when he wasn’t up to scratch. It hurt alot. At first I thought he was still in love with his ex, or that he just didn’t feel the same way. It made me question myself alot. “Why is this happening?”

Also, the timing when it happened, I was mostly home alone (well, I had kor but he was doing his own thing..) so I really didn’t have any appetite to eat, no mood to do anything, not even interested in meeting people lest I should bring them down. I missed out on my favourite socials for 3 weeks running. I went out with friends feeling down in the dumps every time I saw a couple and I just thought of the times when we were together. But I couldn’t really show it, naw, come on – that would be ultimate party pooper behaviour. So I was left to my own devices. And I did alot of thinking.

I listened to alot of songs that made me hope that something would happen that would bring us back together. Jon McLaughlin, Jason Mraz. Train. And then I’d flip over to the darker side and listen to things that really made me sad, thinking that it was over and that we’d never speak again, never going back to the way we were. Pixie Lott. Lady Antebellum. Jon McLaughlin (again). Train (again). And some others that I don’t remember now.

This was by far the hardest break-up.

So I asked him for the last time “Do you still love me?”

He said “Yes, of course.”

Drat. This makes things just plain confusing. I wanted him, yet I couldn’t have him. Yet I wanted to wait for him, and yet *again* something inside me said that I shouldn’t wait, and that I shouldn’t play this game for awhile. That I should just get myself back up and get on with life.

And that is what I’ll do.

Reeis and Aichan really helped me figure myself out, even if they think they didn’t.

“Love.. is about giving and taking chances. Whatever happens, happens.”

I think that was what I learned from this entire fiasco. Even if the chance of us getting back together are probably (most likely) (practically) zero, I shall not dwell on it – whatever happens, happens.

angry rant, and staying in

This is probably the most inappropriate time to be ratty, but I must make a personal mental note to NEVER EVER TRAVEL WITH WHINERS. All they care about are themselves, no matter what they say about sacrificing themselves good the greater good. I mean, that’s a whole pile of steaming bullshit la.

Ok, so on to the one liner for the tl;dr crowd. I, went to get some coffee sachets for them under her orders, and I tripped coming up the stairs cause I was an idiot.

Doesn’t explain anything? Damn, I failed. Ok then, read on.

Not only did she scold me for getting the wrong sachets of coffee, that she claimed we needed to pay for, she blamed me for not listening to her instructions. On top of that, she was in the mood to be sarcastic with me and adding why didn’t I say anything about the cute little xmas door gift  the hostel gave us.

Oh for fuck’s sake. I went to get it for YOU GUYS, not for MY DUCKING SELF. And even then, those coffee sachets were FREE, YOU IDIOT. I see what you did there, asking me why I didn’t say anything about the xmas door gift. WHAT ARE YOU, BLIND? I WAS IN PAIN. Of course I’m not thinking about the door gift! And you insinuate that I’m trying to ruin YOUR holiday by injuring myself. Brilliant. Just effing brill. To top it off, you didn’t even apologize for the mistake you made, and pretended like everything was fine.

Ok  let’s try the tl;dr thing again. I don’t give a crap about all the things you accuse me of, but I DO GIVE A DAMN IF I DID NOTHING WRONG AND THAT YOU DID NOT FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR MISTAKE.

Ok, with that out of my system, I’m indoors for the day. Hope to get better by tomorrow, at least able to handle long hours of standing. I can hobble slowly, like Guama’s speed of walking, but I can’t really push my luck.

The guys bought me some sammiches so I’ll survive, and damn I really like the milk I bought at the mart. Getting addicted to that stuff XD

Well most likely blog about my travels on Seoul so far, we’ve got write about going on.

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hmmm

I wonder how many girls have this thought run through their minds, or worse still, let the thought consume them?

oh, just shut up already.

It seems that these days, my life is going on a downward spiral. socially. =\

Sometimes when I’m at my little corner in the daytime, I dunno if it’s just me or that if they just decide not to include me into their conversations. When I do say something, they glean it over and talk about the next topic. And sometimes, even people I regard to be rather close to start to distance themselves, and I feel like they think it’s an obligation that they have to fulfill – to interact with me just so that they think I’ll be stupid enough and think everything’s dandy.

Even when I’m around people I think I can hold a conversation with, the words fail to form, and nothing is said. The moment passes, they move on to the next person who will entertain them, and I sit and watch. I’m ok with it, or rather, it’s more like I have to be okay with it.

Sadly it also tends to happen with people I think (at the time) I might have had romantic feelings for. I end up being a complete idiot and annoying them to the point that they treat me like the person they least want to have contact with, or we say absolutely nothing. “If I have nothing good to say or nothing that’s worth saying, just simply don’t say it.” Haha, sadly, what ensues is a pretty long (at least, it feels like forever) and awkward silence.

It stings, but then again I think I’m asking for it. I can screw up without even trying. Takes a special kind of skill ey. *thumbsup*

My rational mind says that it’s  just insecure me being, (well duh) insecure me, but then again, who am I to decide that I can belong  and blend perfectly in every social circle I happen to chance upon?

Who are you again?