*brushes the dust off*
*takes a look around*
I really have left you alone for quite awhile now haven’t I.
Yes, so I just broke up with a guy I really really really cared about. It’s hard to have someone break up with me, but it’s harder still knowing that it could have been something great. We had barely even started when it came to an end.
That month of May, was alot of crying myself to sleep, near tears while I was awake, steeling myself to not give this any thought as I walked past his table, waiting for his Whatsapp messages (pathetic, I know), a whole load of heartache, and despairing over the fact that I knew what was coming.
The kicker was that it wasn’t because neither of us fell out of love with each other – it was the fact that he wanted to be alone because he couldn’t give anyone his best when he wasn’t up to scratch. It hurt alot. At first I thought he was still in love with his ex, or that he just didn’t feel the same way. It made me question myself alot. “Why is this happening?”
Also, the timing when it happened, I was mostly home alone (well, I had kor but he was doing his own thing..) so I really didn’t have any appetite to eat, no mood to do anything, not even interested in meeting people lest I should bring them down. I missed out on my favourite socials for 3 weeks running. I went out with friends feeling down in the dumps every time I saw a couple and I just thought of the times when we were together. But I couldn’t really show it, naw, come on – that would be ultimate party pooper behaviour. So I was left to my own devices. And I did alot of thinking.
I listened to alot of songs that made me hope that something would happen that would bring us back together. Jon McLaughlin, Jason Mraz. Train. And then I’d flip over to the darker side and listen to things that really made me sad, thinking that it was over and that we’d never speak again, never going back to the way we were. Pixie Lott. Lady Antebellum. Jon McLaughlin (again). Train (again). And some others that I don’t remember now.
This was by far the hardest break-up.
So I asked him for the last time “Do you still love me?”
He said “Yes, of course.”
Drat. This makes things just plain confusing. I wanted him, yet I couldn’t have him. Yet I wanted to wait for him, and yet *again* something inside me said that I shouldn’t wait, and that I shouldn’t play this game for awhile. That I should just get myself back up and get on with life.
And that is what I’ll do.
Reeis and Aichan really helped me figure myself out, even if they think they didn’t.
“Love.. is about giving and taking chances. Whatever happens, happens.”
I think that was what I learned from this entire fiasco. Even if the chance of us getting back together are probably (most likely) (practically) zero, I shall not dwell on it – whatever happens, happens.