mental turbulence

I’d never known a point of time in my waking hours that I had nothing in my mind.

But now, I don’t really know if I have anything to say at all.

sigh. Sometimes I wonder what I am trying to be. I’m not really here, not really there either. I can’t decide. It’s too hard to decide because I’ll end up thinking of the road not taken. Where I would be if I had chosen this instead. Is it really worth all that trouble to trouble myself with this sort of inecessant rubbish? Shouldn’t I just heck it all and just go according to instinct? bleargh. So much for the free-spirited me. I wonder if I even was one. I feel like a bird with broken wings, so beautifully timed that the rest of the flock should head south and I’m here to deal with the coming winter. Broken.

Feeling? harrumph. Am I capable of it? Maybe I ridicule it as a human feature that destroys oneself. Must be the reason behind my sharp tongue. So much for being a nice individual outside. I know I’ve tortured leeyee to no end in primary school with it. And alot of other unfortunate souls who just had to cross paths with me at the wrong moments, which are plentiful.

And here comes the side of me that chooses to be moody. Planitively speaking, the part of myself that I appreciate most. It is then when I love the oddest things alive, or look at things from a *rather* distorted point of, I am not a perverted being. Tainted I may be, but not to that extent. This is also the part of me that enjoys silence. Silence is a virtue, and I appreciate it because it listens. It listens to the screaming in my mind out of frustration, anguish, fear, whatever. It’s an invaluable companion. I wouldn’t know what to do without it.

And there goes the undecided part of my conscience. If I can even call it that.

sitting in a middle of a grassland

It’s wonderful to wake up @ 11am on a schoolday.

I haven’t done anything useful today either. Read more of Les Misérables. Yup, I was right about abridged versions. sigh. There’s alot of gaps. I didn’t catch how Marius suddenly became active in the Revolution and how Eponine was actually in love with him, and how Javert suddenly came to be at the Revolution headquarters. It all was just too damn fast. Before I knew it the story was going to end already. That decides it. I have to get the unabridged, even if it means I have to learn french. *currently angry at the 300++page book sitting on the table*

Hated Javert’s ugly arse. Goddamit he reminds me of Fix(Around the world in 80 days, anyone?) and he sure cracks up lame wiseass jokes. I suppose antagonists never had much intellect in those days. Too bent on putting Valjean behind bars, the workaholic.

Gavroche is cute in a weird way. An unscrupulous, defiant kid. I didn’t get to see much of him either cause he just died trying to fill his basket with bullets from the dead soldiers that seperate the Revolution and the French army. He did say some funny stuff. And he sang a fair bit too, in the midst of war and fear. A little urchin XD

Somehow I’m intrigued by stories of the French Revolution. The poverty-stricken people, the angsty burgeois, the cheeky sprites that toy with death, and the reckless fools that fight for a losing cause. Its wonderful to see humans portrayed in words. The sufferings of the lower end of society give me some food for thought when I’m bored.

oddity in the household: me,myself and I

Currently craving Les Misérables by Victor Hugo. The abridged version. Usually I’m against reading abridged versions cause it usually means I’m missing out on something. Leeyee claims that the original is about 2-3 inches thick. Well, I’ll read the abridged to see wether the original is worth my time. So far so good. My favourite character so far is Jean Valjean. Somehow, he is always seeking forgiveness by doing charity though he was a former gaolbird. He toned down after meeting Cosette, Fantine’s daughter. Marius Pontmercy ‘looks’ like a weak character, easily influenced. As for Cosette, I haven’t seen her much, so I can’t really say. She’s just a gentle and pretty girl. Like Cinderella.

My toilet flush is broken T_T..Pulled it too hard and something must’ve broke. First it was my bathroom door. Tsing yanked the old plastic door one newton too hard and the lock just broke. Aish. Now occupants have to dig at the lock and slowly slide it in so that the door locks, if not woe befall the toilet-goer.

**note** Problem fixed at 7.00pm. Now the flush works even better than before…ah, the joys of rafia string.

Then there’s the bed. My brothers were wrestling on it and -kablooey- There was a snap, and there goes the bed frame. Nothing to cry about. Just that of course mom and dad didn’t take it all in stride as they had similarly done so to a hotel bed.

Home is the best place to be.

of moonlight and grey skies

cloudy in the morning, cloudy in the afternoon, cloudy at night. I love the weather. I hope it stays that way for the rest of the year. Depressing weather is so refreshing. Ironic, eh?

A month away from -doomsday- and people are starting to disappear already. So the silence was lovely. I couldn’t help but feel so vacant, so lacking of something, everything or nothing at all. And I welcomed that feeling.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I suppose everyone’s missing something, but we tend to see others’ faults before our own, so we fail to notice.

Ate more mooncake today.I loved the paper lanterns, but I forgot to take them down yesterday. Everything turned into a huge mess of pulp when the morning came. It did rain last night, after all. I felt sad, somewhat. I really liked that Ultraman lantern, who cares if it’s pink. The SD ultraman was so cute. Lit more candles, but there was no moon in sight, for the clouds were cloaking it from the human eye. Not even a ray of moonlight reached the surface of earth where I was. I wanted to see the moon.

Even now it drizzles lightly. Like tears ever flowing from the heavens.


I feel happy today. Overdose of yesterday’s mooncake I guess. And maybe the sight of burnt paper lanterns were amusing. Not that I caused any of it to happen.

The only thing that got on my nerves yesterday was the electronic lanterns. The lights are ok, but who the heck thought of the music to go with it? Blast the imbecile who created this profanity. It’s downright irritating and goddamit why must little children be subject to this torture? They know little of the mental dangers than can occur to them and hereby I condemn this creation to eternal damnation. bwahahahaha~

Audrey and Ashley are soooo cute~ they’re my cousins. And Eva too. The three of them were yelling their heads off yesterday, and for the life of me I don’t know what they were getting at. *laughs*

I drew alphonse 2 days ago, and he didn’t look half as bad. XD Means I gotta upload more stuff on DA. For fun. So that I won’t crumple the original and throw it away.

Which reminds me; I still have a packet of Pocky left. Will bring to school on monday~ =^_^=

music in words part 2 of 2

MPO performance, 4 items. My personal favourite was alborada del gracioso and the 2nd movement of Ravel’s string quartet in F.

item #1:Johannes Brahms – Trio in A minor for clarinet, cello and piano, Op.114

1st movement:Allegro

This one was bright, but if there’s one thing about baroque music, it’s so blardy repetitive. Clarinetist was interesting to look at, noticed that he played a note out of key.

2nd movement:Adagio

Slllooooooooooooow. Understand the full impact of the word adagio; I nearly slept off. This one definitely booted over to my no-go list. Not that I listen to classical like it’s my life, but this really lulled me off. Very flat feel, not even the fortes and pianos could pull this up.

3rd movement:Andante grazioso

By far this was the best of the four. Not too sleepy, andante is a good speed. And I love the piano here. Felt the expression it was trying to portray.

4th movement:Allegro

This ends the piece. It sounds like a more spruced up version of the 1st movement, but they’re all like peas in a pod.

item #2:Bernard Andrés – Parvis(for 2 harps)

Never quite understood harps, but this was good. The clashing of notes produced an odd harmony, each supporting the other. I like the flow of the music, and the weird tune caused me to enjoy it even more.

item #3:Maurice Ravel – Alborada del gracioso(arranged for 2 marimbas)

I was wondering what a marimba was. First impression: a heavy woodwind instrument, bassoon-like. After listening to the orchestrated version and the piano version, well. Definitely had to be a light wind instrument. Questions answered when the marimbas came into play. Looks like a fancy xylophone. This piece is absolutely cute. I don’t know how else to word it. The tinkle of the marimbas added a RPG-ish feel to it. XD

item #4: Maurice Ravel – String Quartet in F

1st movement:Allegro moderato, tres doux

Rich in melody, flowing like a river. A sad feel, yet contented, with a slight dash of happiness. Bittersweet?

2nd movement:Assez vif, tres rythme

The plucking of strings amused me to no end. Left me gaping. Faster here, a note of urgency, and towards the end felt the agitation which began the third movement.

3rd movement:Tres lent

Powerful. The main character meets the high-flying evil. Suspense, fear and anxiety fill the space. Mainly this feel throughout, but on ending it was more..explanatory. The clouds begin to clear, and the breeze refreshes the surroundings once more.

4th movement:Vif et agite

Quite a deciding note. Throughout I felt that this was the end. Nothing else could change my mind of that. Grand, majestic, I guess one could call it ‘ending with a bang!’.

resolve at end of writing this: I am definitely not cut out for music reviews. It’s too trying, and I don’t have the experience in this.. I’ll leave this to the professionals. phew.

music in words part 1 of 2

Surprisingly I didn’t feel devastated when the exam results came. I was(and still am) worried for biology, that’s my worst subject by far. And maybe addmath as well. Did fairly well for englih, though I personally felt I definitely could’ve done better. BM was pretty bad, but I didn’t improve nor did I detoriate. Quite frustrating, that. Extremely careless for chem, thus the miserable results. Same goes for addmath. Don’t plan to spill the beans just yet, not until I’ve confirmed everything. Would like to see where I can scrape up a few more marks to lower my agregate.

Catherine(?!anyway, the counselling advisory) decided to inform us on possible scholarships from nearby colleges. Should consider, if it would lighten my parents’ burden. I wonder if I’m up to scratch, I’m the very average student.

The best part of the day came; going to the MPO for a short performance by chamber players..about an hour. 4 pieces, all were good. Yeah, even the Brahms piece was okay. If aiori and reeis were here they’d show a great deal of protest, as they nearly slept off. **takes a deep breath** ok, so here’s how the story goes..

After school, say 1.45pm

Was raining cats and dogs, a few mice if necessary. Went to the doctor to see to my cough, but the happy crew ewre out to lunch and due at 2.30pm. Felt crappy as I had sloshed through puddles and gotten wet, I headed home, proceeded to lunch. And lounging about the house.

Mid-afternoon, 3.30pm

Confirmed details of meeting up with reeis, then rushed like mad to take a bath. Record time: 10 mins(complete bath+dress+drying hair). I’m this last-minute kinda person, quite sloppy and relaxed about timing. But! I do my best to be punctual. If I’m late, I’m late. I take responsibility. Anyway. Started on a brisk walk to reeis’ place, took me about 15 mins. Then cabbed to the train station to meet up with aiori.

Not very long after, 4.17pm

Ok. At station. Phew. A lady talked to us abut a WWF nature-awareness campaign. Jammed coins into a machine, bought tickets, then hung about to wait for aiori. When aiori came, she waved at us. We waved back, but something unexpected occured. Some guy who was part of the WWF nature awareness campaign groupie waved at her, assuming that she was waving at him. Puzzled, amused and spontaneously, she waved at him too. We(the three of us), on reaching eye contact, exploded at that moment. we couldn’t stop until reeis called out to her, then the mystified groupies got the message. Boarded the train, and away we went.

Tower1, 5.15pm

Met up with dad to pick up tickets. Wandered off and ended up in kinokuniya. Drooled at all the manga and artbooks there, and aiori bought the kino no tabi artbook by kuroboshi kouhaku. Neat. Then scurried back to the MPO. Got a ‘reminder’ not to wear sneakers on entering next time. Sigh. I felt embarrased then. I acted like a newbie, all right. If it weren’t for anice guy who offered to help us, we’d be more or less lost. After all, it was my first time there. Now the real entertainment begins.

MPO, seat M24, 6.00pm

Fuuh. The silence was deafening. Not just literally, but in reality. Nothing could be heard, save for the last footsteps of the ushers exiting the hall.

tiredd…eyelids feeling heavy, ending my day.

of difficult choices

A little while ago a door-to-door salesperson came to my place. A don’t regret saying that she’s a really nice person, but salespeople are of a typical genre. They try to sweet-talk you, then some of the more unfortunate ones get conned in the process. She was going on about a scholarship, and how she had to earn it by doing this. When it came down to the money, all I could read was sales invoice. If that didn’t make my eyes and ears prick up and wonder, it got me thinking. Mostly it was guama that did the talking. She looked at me, as though in search of an answer. All I told her was to decide as she thought right. She did, and the pleading began. As she left, I could tell she was on the verge of a helpless frustration. I could imagine her wringing her hands in despair. But reality bites. I also could read the signs of agitation on guama’s face, how dealing with them is a difficult choice. And for the weirdest reason, I felt a little guilty. Guilty cause we had led her on, although in my opinion she was trying to get something going though we had made our point. sigh.

Of this I reimbuke my faith in guama. She is a strong person. I still need to learn that from her, I admit, I am a coward in many things. My parents tell me this time and time again, but still….Even my teachers tell me to have faith in myself.

In school, well. Since exams are over, it was judgement day. I didn’t do that well for chem and addmath. I actually thought of addmath as fun mainly cause it was challenging, but I don’t sync with numbers I guess. I still score pretty bad at it. At the rate I’m going I could end up getting a C. Or a B.

*choke choke* My throat’s stuck and I’m starting to sound weird.’Tis the flu season once again, so catching this seems to be an annual event. I wonder why I catch it. I thought once you’ve caught it your body develops antibodies against that particular pathogen that causes it, so by right I shouldn’t be catching it anymore. And inevitably I catch it again, year after year, at least once. Odd.

infinite ∞

Yesterday I was angry at my mom. A small matter really, nothing that serious until I had to look at her with utter contempt. Anger gets you nowhere, I guess I’ve learnt that the hard way.

Today I’m angry at this loser who posted some %*&%( here. I couldn’t leave that post tainted with its presence, so I took the actions necessary. I feel better now knowing that.

=^_^= I’m finished with the last school exam of the year~ A huge weight lifted off my back, but the height of the moment is yet to come. In another 2 months I will really be free. Free from the cords that bind me. And then another stage of life begins. Therefore, the ending is only a beginning of something else. So I believe in infinity.

voices in my mind

I was surprised. Today was the school’s prayer day. And I knew nothing about it until we were herded to the hall. Didn’t feel religious while it was going on.. maybe it could just mean I’m better off a pagan (laughs). whoa, but there were these 4 guys who sang acapella, as they put it. It’s probably the only thing I can applaud at. Singing bhuddist songs and getting a real applause is difficult, but these guys pulled it off fine. My hat off to them. Then came the real praying. In the middle of it all, while the monk was chanting, I started laughing for no apparent reason. Don’t ask me what went through my head then. Something just tickled my mind and I started laughing. If it weren’t for the utter silence in the hall(ok. so there was chanting.) I wouldn’tve tried to restrain myself. I took a look around, and saw: Some were yawning, some were sleeping, some were really enthusiastic(how much more can one get at this?!) and some were *shock and surprise* studying bm, which is later in the day.

Then I sang until my throat was hoarse. Thank aiori for picking bonnie pink – last kiss as a song. And mostly mine for suggesting TiA – ryuusei. Both are high, but there’s one part of last kiss which I really cannot do.*cough cough* plus me having the startings of a flu. So it was so screwed up I laughed my arse off hearing us sing. I just hope it works out. Aiori has a pretty sharp voice..some control on her part would be good. As for me, not that I sound absolutely terrific or anything, but I guess I should be working on harmonizing. I don’t really have a good idea on how it works. >_< I've never sang with someone else before, usually I go solo..bleah.. Good luck to us.