Woosh!

I think today was a day that I realized that I could ask others for help. Sometimes trying to handle everything by myself is just overwhelming. So maybe I can’t immediately apply it – but I can only try it abit at a time.

Also, learning poco al poco how to be okay with having alone time.

Without a life partner can sound kinda lonely, but maybe it’s just not my time yet.

The Shape of Water

I decided to dress up a little, and go out to catch a movie by myself. You know, the weird thing was that I kept thinking of who else I could invite to come together with me. The other part of me went, “stop depending on others for company – you got this.”

Lipstick was suuuper bright, just because what the hell, why not? It was nice! But because it was so bright.. I think the rest of the outfit needs to be 100% plain so that it won’t be overall neon bright. Slouch black top, grey jeans, worn out navy sneaks works. But I think I need a new pair of shoes 😀

Did my eyebrows too, and the lady was surprisingly quick and efficient. And it didn’t feel as painful as the previous times. Done in 5!

I enjoyed The Shape of Water very much. The protagonist characters are quaint, awkward and adorable. ALL OF THEM. The antagonist was also quite good in his portrayal, actually – those two fingers I felt were significant. It somehow tied in to his descent into very dark times.

The era in which it’s set meant that you saw heard some lovely tunes, got to see a beautiful teal Cadillac, and see the All-American home.

However, that also meant that you got to see an extremely racist America. Also a very homophobic America. It was portrayed as a picket-fence perfect life, but there is this darker side to it that people sometimes gloss over. This stark contrast was what made the character development wholly possible, and boy was it a good one.

Regarding the Asset himself – and how Eliza could find a connection between them, that piece that she delivered to her housemate was a message I felt could resonate with anybody who has ever felt alone, not understood, not cared for, and cast aside. It’s a very core human sentiment that I’ve had to sit through and so, I understand it.

late night latte

About letting my thoughts out. Friday was a very, very good one.

Feels like being myself, with other people. Opening up to them, I mean. Of course I still choose who I tell things to, but this one with Sulin was really good, though it took a good unexpected turn.

We had dinner with the guys beforehand, at Miligram. Surprisingly the food is good (had sausage + carbonara pasta) – previous time I went I only had cake and coffee, and while the cake was alright, the coffee I remember it being decent. Leo would be playing outside with the 2 kittens whenever possible (lol usually when people went to order food or take toilet breaks).

Talked about high school life, girls and boys schools, movies, random snippets, -wrong- snippets, and more nonsense. They’re all younger than me, but I am quietly happy to know that we still share alot of things which are the same. It was a good evening.

After we parted ways with them, Sulin and I went for a drink. And we talked about wok. Everything about work that was on my mind, that was bogging me down, that I worried over not being able to do well, and also everything that I felt jaded over and that looked like it had no real light on the path. Some things we gotta plow through, others could be just working out people problems. Setting expectations, and seeing how others cope with the same problem.

The way we handled the issues are different – we complain and opt for a larger scale rewrite, the others chugged along and patched where necessary. There is a good, and a bad. And I have to learn how to manage the bad parts, which I haven’t been doing so well on recently.

Coming back to the other event of the upcoming techconf, handling senior-er people and just general YOLO spirit is not really the way to go forward, you know? It’s a huge gathering of 70 staff – not everything will just magically work itself out. I’ll admit that some contingency plans are needed (not for everything), but these plans need to be made. “Oh, we’ll think about it when we get there” is NOT a plan. When shit hits the fan we will need to have a united front and act accordingly.

We talked till 2:30AM.Holy smokes.

It was good. Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it.

Lessons

I will say it now. The day started horribly. The feeling of abandonment just swept me away.

Chris took me out to lunch. I just cried and cried. It was really scary. And I felt super vulnerable.

And I found that the pain came from multiple places. From giving away the ability to control my own decisions, being guilt tripped into giving up on myself as a priority, feeling that I wasn’t good enough that I would disappoint those that I loved the most.. All the way down to being insecure about who I am.

But I talked to all 3. Chris. Pika. Xiaobao. All of them had to remind me that though we will not be with each other all the time, we’re not lost and gone.

Growing up is not growing apart.

It was attachment and dependency that was holding me back. Cause I thought if I didn’t grip on to it, it’ll just disappear. It made me fear so many things, to the point that I was trapped holding on to the past.

So, here’s to letting go of the past. Hopefully I can embrace the future on my own, without needing the crutches of the past to hold me up.

I really needed that support from them. And I think I got it. I’m just learning how to apply the lesson that’s been taught.

I find that I never really got emotional support at home – I always had to go out and seek it from close friends. Maybe it was just the way I was brought up – that nobody really got their feelings acknowledged nor listened to. It was usually the case where you had to deal with your own problems, as long as you were around to help with the family, you were doing all right.

Maybe that’s why I felt the pain so much more.

……………….

I also had the team meeting with the KLSwing gang. Feels like a busy year ahead but we’re cruising so far. First event is gonna happen in 3 weeks.

I handled yesterday pretty badly.

I thought I was not doing a good job in everything, that I was just useless because I couldn’t handle anything well that day. And that carried on to being nasty to myself. I cried on the drive home because all I could think of was, that I Sucked.

But I did have some happy times. I had lunch with Sam, and I guess I talked alot about travelling. Over Thai food. And he listened. I also went to pick up Deniece’s present from Ellie. And it looks plain but I know the inside will be simply beautiful. I apologized for causing hurt, and I am just human. I also finished the Liar Game manga. I liked it ALOT!

Faith

Maybe today was not such a good day. I kept thinking that my friends will forget about me someday since they’ve found what they wanted in life and that I am not important to them anymore. It also drains my will to do good work since I don’t think I would be appreciated.

The good thing is, though, that I held on to the belief that I still have others around me in spirit (but not in person) who appreciate me for who I am. Also had the work conversation on the best way to proceed with reworking the code base, and entrusted them to carry through with the plan. I also saw efforts in learning in others that helped me keep the faith that all this, is not in vain.

home day

Today, I am thankful because I got to wake up early. Go to Lake Gardens and squeezed in some dances and the teacher talks. Also chatted with Sulin while she was getting her hair done. I’m a lucky little girl because I got to eat Sarawak laksa as leftover. We also discovered a decent Middle Eastern restaurant Lambogi that was pretty tasty!

Re-reading Liar Game as well. Such a great read! I can’t put it aside.. gotta continue! :3

I tried to ask Jaz out to lunch. Did not happen, he said he was busy. That’s okay – although I felt slightly sad, but I will learn to accept the way things are. It’s not the worst. But I think I did good today.

The weekend begins!

On Saturday, I had a neutral day.

I am thankful because I got to spend time with Chris and Pikachin. And I watched a movie which was based on an excellent book series – Madeleine L’Engle’s A Wrinkle In Time. I still love that even after 20 years, the book remains relevant (even if sadly so.) I also had some excellent steamboat and I’d do that again.

I didn’t treat myself well because sometimes I still missed that Jaz wasn’t with us. He was busy, yes, but it still felt like a piece was missing.

A day off.

Today I am a happy girl. I got to cut my hair, color it (subtle and sweet), talk my heart out, and spend time spoiling myself silly. Good food, good company, good money spent. I need to treat myself again.