I will say it now. The day started horribly. The feeling of abandonment just swept me away.
Chris took me out to lunch. I just cried and cried. It was really scary. And I felt super vulnerable.
And I found that the pain came from multiple places. From giving away the ability to control my own decisions, being guilt tripped into giving up on myself as a priority, feeling that I wasn’t good enough that I would disappoint those that I loved the most.. All the way down to being insecure about who I am.
But I talked to all 3. Chris. Pika. Xiaobao. All of them had to remind me that though we will not be with each other all the time, we’re not lost and gone.
Growing up is not growing apart.
It was attachment and dependency that was holding me back. Cause I thought if I didn’t grip on to it, it’ll just disappear. It made me fear so many things, to the point that I was trapped holding on to the past.
So, here’s to letting go of the past. Hopefully I can embrace the future on my own, without needing the crutches of the past to hold me up.
I really needed that support from them. And I think I got it. I’m just learning how to apply the lesson that’s been taught.
I find that I never really got emotional support at home – I always had to go out and seek it from close friends. Maybe it was just the way I was brought up – that nobody really got their feelings acknowledged nor listened to. It was usually the case where you had to deal with your own problems, as long as you were around to help with the family, you were doing all right.
Maybe that’s why I felt the pain so much more.
I also had the team meeting with the KLSwing gang. Feels like a busy year ahead but we’re cruising so far. First event is gonna happen in 3 weeks.