faults

I’m glad I got to hear both sides of the story.

So yes, we’re both at fault.

I came across as condescending, and I could have handled that better.

He reacted violently to it, which he could have handled that better.

It’s always strange that we misunderstand each other, but I can only try to be more watchful with what I say and what I do. And so can he.

Sigh.

When will the misunderstanding stop?

Maybe only when we really learn to take a deep breath, a step back – then take the time to think before reacting.

such idiocy

So angry today cause I got yelled at when someone was trying to join a conversation with a misunderstood context cause I tried to politely inform that he was being off topic. What the flying fuck?!

Why is it only me? There was nothing truly to be angry about – and I definitely have nothing to apologize for. I didn’t start anything. I didn’t raise my voice, sound sarcastic, nor did I try to look down on him. I was simply trying to explain that he may have misunderstood the context of the conversation.

What the hell?! I can’t read your mind, nobody can read your mind. You didn’t even bother explaining, just straightaway raised your voice and slammed your fist on the table. I don’t know what the fuck is going through your mind when you decided to do that. I don’t know what assumptions you made when you decided that it was a good idea to affront me like an asshat. It’s not who you are at all.

Just because I forgive easily doesn’t give you the right to step all over me and repeat this cycle of stupidity where you think I can forgive just about anything you say or do.

I don’t like aggression. I prefer to forget the bad, and keep the good. But if all it’s doing is giving you ammunition to bully your way into getting an agreement, well I’m going to try my best to put a stop to that.

I deserve better. Shame on you, for acting out like you did.

You’re important to me – but not if you keep taking me for granted.

In a darker corner

Sometimes I think I don’t deserve all that I have. I’m such a person who doesn’t appreciate what’s there, nor does anyone appreciate me. Doesn’t feel like it makes much of a difference whether I’m there or not.

I think it’s also that I don’t do anything much that makes them or myself think that I should get more out of it. I feel like giving up sometimes.

I make the commitment to be better to myself but that also means being a bit crueler to everyone else. I mean, it doesn’t matter much to them because they only see me as someone they can make use of until they don’t need me anymore.

Do I treat people that way?

I’m trying to be ok with myself, by myself. I don’t think it’s working, but I gotta make it work. I don’t think anyone understands. I hate it.

recollections

I think you deserve your time to be yours. And so do I.

Or something along those lines. My mom. I wonder if it meant that it was time to get some help on taking care of my father. She deserves it alot more than we do.

Still sometimes hurt by the distance that is put in place by friends with whom I thought I was impossibly close with. However I think I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for being so distrustful of those actions, to mean something else more malicious when it probably isn’t. Friendships are dynamic, and they’ll change with time.  I think I’m just afraid of losing them, even if they tell me it’s not true. I just gotta believe in what we’ve got.

I had a good time tonight at Hou’s place, with the guys going for their half / full marathons this Sunday. All the best! Also, his mom makes the best desserts! Tonight we had homemade pavlova with fresh cream, longan + pineapple, and some strawberries on the side. Haha, she missed out the passionfruit sauce but it still tasted great!