I’m glad I got to hear both sides of the story.

So yes, we’re both at fault.

I came across as condescending, and I could have handled that better.

He reacted violently to it, which he could have handled that better.

It’s always strange that we misunderstand each other, but I can only try to be more watchful with what I say and what I do. And so can he.


When will the misunderstanding stop?

Maybe only when we really learn to take a deep breath, a step back – then take the time to think before reacting.

such idiocy

So angry today cause I got yelled at when someone was trying to join a conversation with a misunderstood context cause I tried to politely inform that he was being off topic. What the flying fuck?!

Why is it only me? There was nothing truly to be angry about – and I definitely have nothing to apologize for. I didn’t start anything. I didn’t raise my voice, sound sarcastic, nor did I try to look down on him. I was simply trying to explain that he may have misunderstood the context of the conversation.

What the hell?! I can’t read your mind, nobody can read your mind. You didn’t even bother explaining, just straightaway raised your voice and slammed your fist on the table. I don’t know what the fuck is going through your mind when you decided to do that. I don’t know what assumptions you made when you decided that it was a good idea to affront me like an asshat. It’s not who you are at all.

Just because I forgive easily doesn’t give you the right to step all over me and repeat this cycle of stupidity where you think I can forgive just about anything you say or do.

I don’t like aggression. I prefer to forget the bad, and keep the good. But if all it’s doing is giving you ammunition to bully your way into getting an agreement, well I’m going to try my best to put a stop to that.

I deserve better. Shame on you, for acting out like you did.

You’re important to me – but not if you keep taking me for granted.

In a darker corner

Sometimes I think I don’t deserve all that I have. I’m such a person who doesn’t appreciate what’s there, nor does anyone appreciate me. Doesn’t feel like it makes much of a difference whether I’m there or not.

I think it’s also that I don’t do anything much that makes them or myself think that I should get more out of it. I feel like giving up sometimes.

I make the commitment to be better to myself but that also means being a bit crueler to everyone else. I mean, it doesn’t matter much to them because they only see me as someone they can make use of until they don’t need me anymore.

Do I treat people that way?

I’m trying to be ok with myself, by myself. I don’t think it’s working, but I gotta make it work. I don’t think anyone understands. I hate it.


I think you deserve your time to be yours. And so do I.

Or something along those lines. My mom. I wonder if it meant that it was time to get some help on taking care of my father. She deserves it alot more than we do.

Still sometimes hurt by the distance that is put in place by friends with whom I thought I was impossibly close with. However I think I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for being so distrustful of those actions, to mean something else more malicious when it probably isn’t. Friendships are dynamic, and they’ll change with time.  I think I’m just afraid of losing them, even if they tell me it’s not true. I just gotta believe in what we’ve got.

I had a good time tonight at Hou’s place, with the guys going for their half / full marathons this Sunday. All the best! Also, his mom makes the best desserts! Tonight we had homemade pavlova with fresh cream, longan + pineapple, and some strawberries on the side. Haha, she missed out the passionfruit sauce but it still tasted great!



Got around to wrapping up things with #lumenation, which was unit testing and code coverage. Pretty fun once you’ve gotten some practice in, but the setup is ultra tedious if we were to do full database isolation.

Also, had a pretty fun evening with Leo today.

We mused over Japanese animal names for over an hour! Learned some new things there, which was kinda cool.

Then (duh) we went to eat Japanese food. XD and talked about things from travelling to music and learning stuff, and Japan Japan Japan!

Shared some music on Spotify too so huhuhu someone else gets to listen to the Jpop I listen to.


I don’t think I did very well today.

I just let Feebs know everything that was on my mind. About the work that needs doing, and the massive scale of it just overwhelmed me to the point of pessimism. It’s a project that I finally have the clearance to work on, but the expectation is just unreal, I still feel it’s kinda unreasonable. But the way she worded it sounded somewhat plausible, if not optimistic. I’m just being too cautious here, I don’t think it’s good to be so enthusiastic about something that may just be shot down at a moment’s notice. But what other options do I have?

I think I still resent the fact that we only do things when we are pushed to the brink of desperation. It’s such bad foresight that now everything seems to hang on this being successful, and we’re doomed if it doesn’t work out. I think I still feel bitter about that, because it really could have been prevented a long time ago. Maybe it was my folly for not pushing this through enough. But I suppose, better late than never.

I’m not really happy working here any more. Everyone’s changed around me, I suppose it’s the way people cope with things. But with that change comes a distance. And I’m losing almost everything that I once loved and admired about it. But there’s nothing I can do. Is it time to give up and leave?


I think today was a day that I realized that I could ask others for help. Sometimes trying to handle everything by myself is just overwhelming. So maybe I can’t immediately apply it – but I can only try it abit at a time.

Also, learning poco al poco how to be okay with having alone time.

Without a life partner can sound kinda lonely, but maybe it’s just not my time yet.

The Shape of Water

I decided to dress up a little, and go out to catch a movie by myself. You know, the weird thing was that I kept thinking of who else I could invite to come together with me. The other part of me went, “stop depending on others for company – you got this.”

Lipstick was suuuper bright, just because what the hell, why not? It was nice! But because it was so bright.. I think the rest of the outfit needs to be 100% plain so that it won’t be overall neon bright. Slouch black top, grey jeans, worn out navy sneaks works. But I think I need a new pair of shoes 😀

Did my eyebrows too, and the lady was surprisingly quick and efficient. And it didn’t feel as painful as the previous times. Done in 5!

I enjoyed The Shape of Water very much. The protagonist characters are quaint, awkward and adorable. ALL OF THEM. The antagonist was also quite good in his portrayal, actually – those two fingers I felt were significant. It somehow tied in to his descent into very dark times.

The era in which it’s set meant that you saw heard some lovely tunes, got to see a beautiful teal Cadillac, and see the All-American home.

However, that also meant that you got to see an extremely racist America. Also a very homophobic America. It was portrayed as a picket-fence perfect life, but there is this darker side to it that people sometimes gloss over. This stark contrast was what made the character development wholly possible, and boy was it a good one.

Regarding the Asset himself – and how Eliza could find a connection between them, that piece that she delivered to her housemate was a message I felt could resonate with anybody who has ever felt alone, not understood, not cared for, and cast aside. It’s a very core human sentiment that I’ve had to sit through and so, I understand it.

late night latte

About letting my thoughts out. Friday was a very, very good one.

Feels like being myself, with other people. Opening up to them, I mean. Of course I still choose who I tell things to, but this one with Sulin was really good, though it took a good unexpected turn.

We had dinner with the guys beforehand, at Miligram. Surprisingly the food is good (had sausage + carbonara pasta) – previous time I went I only had cake and coffee, and while the cake was alright, the coffee I remember it being decent. Leo would be playing outside with the 2 kittens whenever possible (lol usually when people went to order food or take toilet breaks).

Talked about high school life, girls and boys schools, movies, random snippets, -wrong- snippets, and more nonsense. They’re all younger than me, but I am quietly happy to know that we still share alot of things which are the same. It was a good evening.

After we parted ways with them, Sulin and I went for a drink. And we talked about wok. Everything about work that was on my mind, that was bogging me down, that I worried over not being able to do well, and also everything that I felt jaded over and that looked like it had no real light on the path. Some things we gotta plow through, others could be just working out people problems. Setting expectations, and seeing how others cope with the same problem.

The way we handled the issues are different – we complain and opt for a larger scale rewrite, the others chugged along and patched where necessary. There is a good, and a bad. And I have to learn how to manage the bad parts, which I haven’t been doing so well on recently.

Coming back to the other event of the upcoming techconf, handling senior-er people and just general YOLO spirit is not really the way to go forward, you know? It’s a huge gathering of 70 staff – not everything will just magically work itself out. I’ll admit that some contingency plans are needed (not for everything), but these plans need to be made. “Oh, we’ll think about it when we get there” is NOT a plan. When shit hits the fan we will need to have a united front and act accordingly.

We talked till 2:30AM.Holy smokes.

It was good. Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it.