For quite awhile now I was in pain.
Not because I was in love with this person, but because I loved the actions he did for me made me feel wanted and appreciated. And now he does that for the sake of someone else. It makes me feel unwanted, unappreciated and that I am not worthy of any of these things. So much so that I end up telling myself that this is all I deserve. That I am not worthy of being loved and respected unless I was willing to put up with someone who bullied me into agreeing with just about anything he said or did.
I want someone who loves me for me.
I’ve said this so many times to myself. And when I do come across that special someone I will be able to love them for being themselves as well. Of course we would not agree on eeevrrything but we would always try to understand each other. And trust that our thoughts and opinions would be heard with as little judgement. And we would learn together, grow old together-gether. Take care of each other in the ways that matter. And definitely, to have the ability to create laughter and love with every moment that we share with each other. And that is what happiness means to me.
I woke up as the Azan was being called out.. And I remembered actual pain as I said those words I typed out aloud. The fear is real enough to weigh my heart down and to occupy my thoughts the very moment I woke up.
May I overcome this challenge with peace in my heart.
Sometimes I think I read too much shoujo manga. Maybe I think I need those sugar sweet happy endings 😛
Hahahah thank goodness I said nothing to Leo.
It was kinda cute to see him gush about a girl that he likes! It’s like, I know why.. But I can’t see how. Maybe I don’t really see them interact, but their communication styles look distinctly different.
We talked about many trivial things, and I guess I can see why he is like that.
Also, having manja cats as company, over coffee is very fun. 10/10 would do it again , because you get to see your own and others’ reactions around them. And boop the cat’s nose all the time. XD
Having a crush is cute. 😂 Having that crushed may not be as cute though.
I’m glad I got to hear both sides of the story.
So yes, we’re both at fault.
I came across as condescending, and I could have handled that better.
He reacted violently to it, which he could have handled that better.
It’s always strange that we misunderstand each other, but I can only try to be more watchful with what I say and what I do. And so can he.
When will the misunderstanding stop?
Maybe only when we really learn to take a deep breath, a step back – then take the time to think before reacting.
So angry today cause I got yelled at when someone was trying to join a conversation with a misunderstood context cause I tried to politely inform that he was being off topic. What the flying fuck?!
Why is it only me? There was nothing truly to be angry about – and I definitely have nothing to apologize for. I didn’t start anything. I didn’t raise my voice, sound sarcastic, nor did I try to look down on him. I was simply trying to explain that he may have misunderstood the context of the conversation.
What the hell?! I can’t read your mind, nobody can read your mind. You didn’t even bother explaining, just straightaway raised your voice and slammed your fist on the table. I don’t know what the fuck is going through your mind when you decided to do that. I don’t know what assumptions you made when you decided that it was a good idea to affront me like an asshat. It’s not who you are at all.
Just because I forgive easily doesn’t give you the right to step all over me and repeat this cycle of stupidity where you think I can forgive just about anything you say or do.
I don’t like aggression. I prefer to forget the bad, and keep the good. But if all it’s doing is giving you ammunition to bully your way into getting an agreement, well I’m going to try my best to put a stop to that.
I deserve better. Shame on you, for acting out like you did.
You’re important to me – but not if you keep taking me for granted.
Sometimes I think I don’t deserve all that I have. I’m such a person who doesn’t appreciate what’s there, nor does anyone appreciate me. Doesn’t feel like it makes much of a difference whether I’m there or not.
I think it’s also that I don’t do anything much that makes them or myself think that I should get more out of it. I feel like giving up sometimes.
I make the commitment to be better to myself but that also means being a bit crueler to everyone else. I mean, it doesn’t matter much to them because they only see me as someone they can make use of until they don’t need me anymore.
Do I treat people that way?
I’m trying to be ok with myself, by myself. I don’t think it’s working, but I gotta make it work. I don’t think anyone understands. I hate it.
I think you deserve your time to be yours. And so do I.
Or something along those lines. My mom. I wonder if it meant that it was time to get some help on taking care of my father. She deserves it alot more than we do.
Still sometimes hurt by the distance that is put in place by friends with whom I thought I was impossibly close with. However I think I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for being so distrustful of those actions, to mean something else more malicious when it probably isn’t. Friendships are dynamic, and they’ll change with time. I think I’m just afraid of losing them, even if they tell me it’s not true. I just gotta believe in what we’ve got.
I had a good time tonight at Hou’s place, with the guys going for their half / full marathons this Sunday. All the best! Also, his mom makes the best desserts! Tonight we had homemade pavlova with fresh cream, longan + pineapple, and some strawberries on the side. Haha, she missed out the passionfruit sauce but it still tasted great!
Got around to wrapping up things with #lumenation, which was unit testing and code coverage. Pretty fun once you’ve gotten some practice in, but the setup is ultra tedious if we were to do full database isolation.
Also, had a pretty fun evening with Leo today.
We mused over Japanese animal names for over an hour! Learned some new things there, which was kinda cool.
Then (duh) we went to eat Japanese food. XD and talked about things from travelling to music and learning stuff, and Japan Japan Japan!
Shared some music on Spotify too so huhuhu someone else gets to listen to the Jpop I listen to.
I don’t think I did very well today.
I just let Feebs know everything that was on my mind. About the work that needs doing, and the massive scale of it just overwhelmed me to the point of pessimism. It’s a project that I finally have the clearance to work on, but the expectation is just unreal, I still feel it’s kinda unreasonable. But the way she worded it sounded somewhat plausible, if not optimistic. I’m just being too cautious here, I don’t think it’s good to be so enthusiastic about something that may just be shot down at a moment’s notice. But what other options do I have?
I think I still resent the fact that we only do things when we are pushed to the brink of desperation. It’s such bad foresight that now everything seems to hang on this being successful, and we’re doomed if it doesn’t work out. I think I still feel bitter about that, because it really could have been prevented a long time ago. Maybe it was my folly for not pushing this through enough. But I suppose, better late than never.
I’m not really happy working here any more. Everyone’s changed around me, I suppose it’s the way people cope with things. But with that change comes a distance. And I’m losing almost everything that I once loved and admired about it. But there’s nothing I can do. Is it time to give up and leave?
I think today was a day that I realized that I could ask others for help. Sometimes trying to handle everything by myself is just overwhelming. So maybe I can’t immediately apply it – but I can only try it abit at a time.
Also, learning poco al poco how to be okay with having alone time.
Without a life partner can sound kinda lonely, but maybe it’s just not my time yet.